Losing a piece of control

Feeling rather stony today. I figured it's a cloud I pulled over myself intentionally. Then again, maybe not. How could a person who wakes up in the morning and decides to go for a jog be pulling a cloud over herself? Again, that could be because I needed to run and focus on hurting my feet instead of sorting out my thoughts. I thought I could use jogging to kickstart a great day, in fact I actually used it as an activity to stop myself from focusing on something else. You know what is strange? I don't know what that something else is. My subconscious self seems to have gotten the better hold of me. I no longer know what disturbs my mind or affects my emotions. And I am hating the mind swing (derived from the phrase 'mood swing') I am getting from all the nausea.

I counted the cars that drove down the Putra Jaya - Sungai Besi Highway when I sat at the hilltop to rest after pressing my heels hard on the ground during the 20 mins jog. Blue. Red. White. Four-wheel drive. Van. Motorbikes. Silver. Black. Mercedes. And then I wondered if I could be an autistic kid. (I am not stereotyping, I read this book about autism for the past one week and at least 50% of the characteristics of an autistic kid can be found in me.) Perhaps I am the undiscovered autistic kid.

Tried to work today but my entire self is on automated mode. Oh ya, I got quite a bit of work done including paper works and proposal. But I can't remember doing anything at the end of the day and felt depressed cause I thought I didn't achieve anything today. Which was a wrong thought because I did achieve some things today. I delivered two front cover options to a client, updated my client's website 3 times with 3 different articles, sorted out my freelancer's fees and invoices, researched on a new client's business, updated my blog and drank lots of water with lemon slices to cleanse my body. That is quite an achievement. But why do I feel so... unproductive?

You won't believe it that I actually forced myself into a client's office at 8pm just now to get a job brief that I could possibly get tomorrow or the day after, wrote an outline of a proposal and almost gave him my quotation immediately. Must be the unproductive sickness getting hold of me. And now I am sitting at a cafe across yet another highway with my laptop contemplating if I should find comfort in counting cars or working on my new story ideas.

Wanna know what life is all about? It's all about having full control of your mind, your thoughts, your emotions and your reactions. Missing one control and you'll start to feel that something is amiss; at the same time you can't quite define what it is. And that lost piece is going to dominate your daily life until you re-discover it again. Right now, I think I've lost control of my mind. Because I had an imprinted dream yesterday night and it's still playing in my mind; its scene has been flashing in my mind every hour for the past 12 hours.

Mini Bites of the day: To have full control of your mind, thoughts, emotions and reactions is like having full control of who you are inside.